Nesting: Right for birds but usually not a good option for children

When parents split up and begin their new lives, the safety, stability, and comfort of the children become a top priority. Finding separate housing for each parent that can equally accommodate the children can be challenging, especially keeping the children in the same school district.

Sometimes, parents try a concept called nesting or bird-nesting. In this arrangement, the children stay put in the former marital home. Their bedroom, and everything about their home situation, stays the same - except for the fact that both of their parents no longer live there. Each parent gets their own smaller home - often a one bedroom or a studio apartment. The parent can even choose to live with their own parents - or a friend. A small one bedroom or living with someone else usually means that the situation cannot accommodate the children. Therefore, the parents trade off on returning to the former marital residence. For example, maybe Mom returns and lives in the marital residence every Monday and Tuesday and Dad does so every Wednesday and Thursday. The parents then alternate the weekends.

In this nesting arrangement, the parents basically rotate in and out of the marital residence. On the surface, this may sound like an ideal solution as it seems to be the least disruptive for the children. However, this type of co-parenting relationship requires a great deal of communication, cooperation, and civility or it can quickly devolve into chaos and hurt for all involved.

Parents must demonstrate a high degree of respect for each other, leaving the house clean and neat for the other parent. Additionally, there must be a method for each parent to leave their own personal possessions and be confident they remain secure.

I have had horror stories in my cases such as one parent not flushing the toilets, leaving raw meat on the counter to spoil, and systematically removing necessary items from the house (like all of the forks and spoons).  Prior to embarking on this type of arrangement, there must be clear guidelines – and most likely a time limit as essentially sharing a house with your ex will be difficult to sustain in the long term, especially as both parties move on with new lives and new relationships. These terms should be reduced to writing . Anyone considering this type of arrangement should consult with an experience attorney to explore options as well as understand their rights and responsibilities.